Tough to know where to start with this one, so I’ll just try to get it all out in one breath: A guy who claims to be a stunt man — and to have been in a movie called South American Tiger Shark Black Pearls, though I can’t find proof of that movie’s existence — has self-published a book of “soft love poetry, sonnets and ballads, combined with Stunning Photography” (caps his) dedicated to actress Rebecca De Mornay.

One of those poems begins:

There is nothing like the warmth
Of the sea in your eyes and the
Sweet taste of your lips as I hold
You tightly in a small cabin.

In other words, De Mornay is in need of an ironclad restraining order and/or an industrial-sized can of Lunatic-Off.

The book by “Sir” Christopher Stewart is retailing for $64.20, which somehow seems either much too expensive or much too cheap.

(Via Caustic Cover Critic)